Ok yesterday was a bad day. I usually don't blog them but decided I'm gonna see if it might help. Started off well, went and got my hair don, feeling all relaxed, then come home to find mark stressed out of his mind, Cameron crying after being on the naughty step twice and generally an unhappy household. See, this is why i can't go out. I know mark does his best, and he's a great dad but he just can't handle both kids alone anymore. :( we were told when he had his transplant it obviously wouldn't last forever but I didn't expect things to start going downhill after just under 2 years. His memory is getting worse and he's finding it hard to deal with too much stimulation I guess, like if too many things are going on at once he can't follow and get frustrated. Which is pretty common with 2 demanding pre-schoolers. Plus I worry about accidents. He'll leave the oven on, or the fridge open, camerons at my mums tonight and marks just stood and asked 3 times if I checked on him before going to bed. :(
Which brings me to another issue today, my mum. I've mentioned before I don't get to really do anything without the kids, and time just me and mark is just unheard of. But my mum won't babysit so we can go out together. I can see her point a little as she'll have either one of my kids or one of my nieces every Friday on a rota, which is great for the kids but no help for grown up time, then she's too tired to watch them for a few hours any other night as she's had one Friday. So I tried to talk to her about maybe not doing that so babysitting wasn't such a big issue. Omg HOW bad do I feel now?! It blew up into a huge argument about how she does enough and the kids love going over. Ok they do but I take my kids all over the place, they want for nothing, I just want to exsist outside of being a mother! So it ended with my mum and dad both being mad at me, mark annoyed there's been more rows, me feeling like well what the hell do I do now?! I hate this. Plus I feel guilty as my sisters parter was apparently looking forward to coming round this weekend with my sister. Plans we made before she got herself arrested so now I'm obviously not talking to her are canceled. So I feel like a bitch there too. God sometimes I think I should just not leave the house and talk to nobody. Just stay home and clean. At least that way I can't let anybody down.
Oh Gemma I am sorry you are still having a bad time, I can't imagine how stressful worrying about Mark must be, I hope it is just temporary and won't get any worse. I know how you feel about the not going out, we have not had any family near us since either of my kids were born so we have only ever had somebody around to watch them for an evening about once a year and due to Christophers epilepsy we wouldn't do babysitters. Hopefully we will have a night a bit more often now that Pauls parents have moved back to the UK :) Maybe if you ask your mum if she can have them 1 evening a month so you can go out and watch a movie or something? Are Marks parents not around? Big {{{hugs}}} and I hope things get a bit better soon.
ReplyDelete((((hugs)))) Gemma - not sure what to suggest apart from Carin's suggestion if your mum could have them both just for a couple of hours once a month so that you can do some couple things. I was talking generally to my mum yesterday and I asked her how she and Dad managed given that they had four of us and she reminded me that they went away for the first time as a couple with no children when I was 15. She said if they were lucky they got one night a year out to my Dad's works Christmas do and that was only if they could afford a babysitter that was prepared to take one us four tearaways. Hang on in there Gemma it will get easier as they get older - before you know it they will both be at school and then you and Mark will be able to get out together during the daytime.
ReplyDelete(((((((HUGS))))))))))))
Karen x