Ok yesterday was a bad day. I usually don't blog them but decided I'm gonna see if it might help. Started off well, went and got my hair don, feeling all relaxed, then come home to find mark stressed out of his mind, Cameron crying after being on the naughty step twice and generally an unhappy household. See, this is why i can't go out. I know mark does his best, and he's a great dad but he just can't handle both kids alone anymore. :( we were told when he had his transplant it obviously wouldn't last forever but I didn't expect things to start going downhill after just under 2 years. His memory is getting worse and he's finding it hard to deal with too much stimulation I guess, like if too many things are going on at once he can't follow and get frustrated. Which is pretty common with 2 demanding pre-schoolers. Plus I worry about accidents. He'll leave the oven on, or the fridge open, camerons at my mums tonight and marks just stood and asked 3 times if I checked on him before going to bed. :(
Which brings me to another issue today, my mum. I've mentioned before I don't get to really do anything without the kids, and time just me and mark is just unheard of. But my mum won't babysit so we can go out together. I can see her point a little as she'll have either one of my kids or one of my nieces every Friday on a rota, which is great for the kids but no help for grown up time, then she's too tired to watch them for a few hours any other night as she's had one Friday. So I tried to talk to her about maybe not doing that so babysitting wasn't such a big issue. Omg HOW bad do I feel now?! It blew up into a huge argument about how she does enough and the kids love going over. Ok they do but I take my kids all over the place, they want for nothing, I just want to exsist outside of being a mother! So it ended with my mum and dad both being mad at me, mark annoyed there's been more rows, me feeling like well what the hell do I do now?! I hate this. Plus I feel guilty as my sisters parter was apparently looking forward to coming round this weekend with my sister. Plans we made before she got herself arrested so now I'm obviously not talking to her are canceled. So I feel like a bitch there too. God sometimes I think I should just not leave the house and talk to nobody. Just stay home and clean. At least that way I can't let anybody down.