Don't say you wern't warned! lol. This is going to be a very much self pitying post. I don't do this often, or maybe I do and I don't realise but I try not to anyway, but the main reason I blog is to make an online diary to look back on in the future so suppose I need to blog the bag with the good. So on that note......this year is gonna be crap, I mean really, really rubbish. Early on in the year I had a feeling it was going to be bad and everyone was telling me it will be fine it was just a feeling. So driving around one day I asked my Granddad for a sign, is this year going to be ok or as bad as I think, at the second a hearse drove past. Seriously Granddad!? He was never known for being subtle but that was a bit much! Not long after that we found out Nicola was pregnant, so we all have the fallout from that to look forward to in September. Before that however we have my 30th. OK, ok I know, age is just a number, but to me it isn't, it's a huge milestone showing my life is still at a standstill.
I'm grateful, I am. I have a roof over my head, a husband who loves me and two beautiful children, but unless you have been on benifits you will never know the stigma attached to it. You're constantly bombarded with all the media calling us spongers, lazy, chavs, the reason kids are so badly behaved because we don't instill a work ethic into them, look at the whole benifits street chaos! Everyone thinks you're sitting about with a cigerette in your mouth, can of stella at 9:30 watching Jeremy kyle while the money pours into your bank account. Who are these people with all this money btw? I read about people on benifits getting thousands each month, how?! I'll never forget when they announced a £500 a week benefits cap and someone asked me how much I would lose, um NOTHING! God we don't get anywhere near that! Anyone who thinks we're well off needs to look at my 3 credit card statements I juggle each month (hope to be paid off by September lol) And then there's the fear, every time I get a brown envelope in the post I panic and think this is it, thats going to say he's not entitled anymore and they're gonna try and make Mark get a job which obviously he cant so I will need one to support us all but who's going to watch Mark and the kids while I do that?! My Mum says of course they won't as obviously he can't work but you read so much about Atos making people with no limbs or months left to live get a job so you never know do you.
But this is my life, and it will be my life until Mark passes. Now don't get me wrong when I say this I adore my husband but sometimes it feels like I'm just waiting for him to go. I can't work while he needs me and yes caring for him takes up a lot of my time but sometimes he just sleeps all day and I'm left sitting and thinking 'is this my life?'. I've been his carer since I was 22 years old and it feels like the kids are growing up and getting more independant but Mark won't he'll just get sicker and need me more so I'll just keep doing this until hes gone and the next phase of my life starts which will be god knows what.
The worst part is is that I did everything 'right' I got a job as soon as I could and saved every penny. I went to college and got good marks, I even won an award because I managed to do day college, night classes and hold down two jobs to ensure I could get into, and pay for university. Then I went to uni, I worked weekends, went to classes during the week and volunteered at night to put something extra on my CV to make sure I could get a good job. Which I did. By the time Mark and I got together I was working in a school helping kids who needed a bit extra due to disabilities or home life. He had a good job in retail so we were set. By the time Cam came along we were married, owned our own home and had savings just in case, everything was going to plan. Then Marks illness got worse. Fast forward to Cams second birthday and Marks been sacked, gone bankrupt and we're in a council house and struggling to make ends meet. Fast forward further to Camerons 7th birthday at the end of the month and things are much the same lol. I suppose I just feel like by 30 I really should know what I'm doing. you go to school to go to college, go to college to go to university, go to university to get a job, get a job to pay until you retire and then that's it. But what do I do? My qualifications are so out of date now they're useless and I can't get new ones due to cost and time so it's just a matter of plod along until the next phase comes then just get whatever factory or shop work I can find to get me through to the end. God thats a bleak outlook isnt it. To top off allllllll these good feelings , when Mark first got the transplant the dr said he expected it to hold out for 5 years until he would need a new one, well its 5 years this year. So on top of fear about benefits, fear about my sisters situation, general fear about my kids growing up in this crappy world I've got the constant fear Marks going to start losing his mind big time again and I don't know if I could cope with that a second time. :(
God thats a depressing post. I did warn you. Heres a cute picture of Scamp to cheer things up a bit.